For the Sleepwalkers

Can’t we all be like the sleepwalkers…the ones who get out of the comfort of their beds and have so much faith in themselves? I want to be like that. I want to be able to face the unknown and accept it, embrace it even. There is one hurdle in life that I can’t jump over, and it is my own mind. I can’t get out of it, and I have almost no faith that it will lead me in the right direction, because I do not know in which direction I am traveling. Somehow I have to realize that’s okay. We’re not supposed to know everything before it happens. Maybe I should stop worrying about what my brain is telling me and listen to what my intuition tells me. That has almost never failed me… but we can’t shut our brains off. It doesn’t work that way. So I have to trust, like the sleepwalkers. They welcome the darkness; they live in it for a while and wake up just as they were before. They have no fear, and if they do it certainly does not stop them from doing anything. Maybe, just maybe if I let my heart go and keep my head from stopping it, I’ll be okay. Faith, that’s all it takes. But faith is a thing that haunts me because it’s a dangerous thing to rely on. I have to get over that. I have to trust myself. I have to let myself go a little further than I thought I could. Therein lies the solution.

Those Winter Sundays

Those winter Sundays

Robert Hayden
(1913 – 1980)

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.

I’d wake and hear the coal splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he’d call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,

Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.

What did I know, what did I know
Of love’s austere and lonely offices?


This poem makes me think of my dad. He does so much for everyone and yet, no one ever thanks him. I am terrible at it, because he’s been there my whole life and I haven’t known much time without him. I do know that without him, I would be completely lost. The first stanza especially rings true to me.

Sundays too my father got up early
and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him

It doesn’t matter what time of day, or night. Dad is always there, doing the things no one expects him to do, all of the time. And I feel bad. Terrible, in fact… because he deserves so much better than anyone gives him. My dad is one of those people that you meet and don’t forget about. He can talk for hours on end and, surprisingly, all of it is interesting. I don’t just say this because I am his daughter- this is true fact. Ask anyone who has had a conversation with him. It just keeeeeeps on going. But besides being the most hilarious man I know, he is the best father I could ever ask for. There isn’t one thing he wouldn’t do for me or my sisters, or my mom. So this is why he deserves more thanks than a person could ever give him.

Now, I am sad.

Okay so this is a little more devastating than I anticipated. Robert and Edna finally meet again and express their love for each other, but this is actually kind of tragic. I feel like I wish Edna would have talked to Doctor Mandelet because I think he could have helped her. If only she had someone to talk to, maybe she could have fought through it. I didn't think I would have much sympathy for Edna in the end, because in more then one sense, she brings about her own destruction. However, there is a part of me that feels terribly for her because I really do think she could have made it. I suppose though, that she didn't want to.

Here we go again....

Ohhh man. So first, Edna's dinner party doesn't go as she thought it would. Only ten people show up and the whole thing falls apart when Victor starts singing the song that Robert always sung to Edna. She gets upset, and the party disintegrates. She goes home, and of course, Arobin follows her. Now things get interesting. She actually has an affair. I don't know where this is headed, because we don't find out until later, I assume. Edna is becoming more and more imprisoned with her effort to break away from society. As she pulls farther away, she loses more of who she really is. Unfortunately, she is under the illusion that she is actually breaking free. This is not going to end well.. and no I haven't read ahead.

Ohhh Edna...

So I was beginning to dislike this book but maybe my mind is changing. I like the whole "awakening" concept going on. Granted, that is the title of the book, so I should have probably anticipated it, but I like the direction the book is beginning to take. Edna is starting to discover who she is in the absence of Robert. In the last few chapters, she is moving towards an awakening, and is Robert who triggers it. When he leaves, she turns back to her painting to comfort her. She begins to realize that she hasn't been living for herself at all, but for something she does not believe in. Is this right or wrong? I don't think anyone can ever know, because this is the debate everyone has about the novel.

Mr. Fear

So, I’ve been staring at this poem for weeks wondering what to write about it. I think I may finally know. I’ve never thought of fear as a being before, but it kind of makes sense. Though I think sometimes ideas are more frightening than people. Still, fear as a being makes the concept more realistic. Maybe it’s easier if I copy the poem here and comment stanza by stanza…. because I like it just that much.

My Fear

He follows us, he keeps track.
Each day his lists are longer.
Here, death, and here,
something like it.

Interesting. Now that I think of it, fear does follow us. It’s a lurking feeling that never really leaves us alone. We have to consciously push it out of our minds, and even then, we’re mostly not successful. Personally, I worry all the time about one thing or another. Most of the time it doesn’t turn into active fear, but the potential is always there.

Mr. Fear, we say in our dreams,
what do you have for me tonight?
And he looks through his sack,
his black sack of troubles.

Maybe he smiles when he finds
the right one. Maybe he’s sorry.
Tell me, Mr. Fear,
what must I carry

away from your dream.
Make it small, please.
Let it fit in my pocket,
let it fall through

the hole in my pocket.
Fear, let me have
a small brown bat
and a purse of crickets

like the ones I heard
singing last night
out there in the stubbly field
before I slept, and met you.

It would be nice to know what’s coming. If only we could ask Fear what he is going to give us, maybe we would be more prepared. But maybe that’s the point, that we’re never prepared. Part of living is figuring it out. I don’t know if anyone can say they have lived until they overcome some great obstacle, whatever it may be.

The First of Many Blogs

Bird imagery.. well let's see. The novel starts out with it! This particular bird seems to be a little misunderstood. Chopin's style is interesting... she writes with much description in some places and hardly any at all in others. These first four chapters are spend largely on introducing the characters. We are first introduced to Edna, the main character. She stands apart from the others in the fact that she is an American and not a Creole. In this way the reader is provided with a both her American view and a view of the Creole society. Edna is not a typical woman of her time in the fact that she is not a "mother woman." She does not see the need to make her children the focal point of her life. While Mr. Pontellier is "the best husband she could have" she isn't very happy. Maybe she doesn't want to be married at all.

Little Apocalypse

I enjoy this poem because Wright addresses the highly debated topic of the apocalypse. I find it fascinating, but frightening, especially as accounted in the book of Revelation in the Bible. No one really knows how to handle it or what to think on the matter, so it’s always interesting to read various opinions. I like how the poem builds as it goes on. The first stanza portrays nothing out of the ordinary and ends with the words “sedate, avaricious life” leading us to further believe that conclusion.
In the second stanza things start to heat up, but it doesn’t lead you to expect anything just yet. That’s the point though-because the apocalypse is supposed to happen when we least expect it. Obviously Wright is well informed on this topic. The last stanza is my favorite because the peril is becoming visible…

Inside the basements of the world,
the clear-out’s begun,
Lightning around the thunder-throat of the underearth,
A drop of fire and a drop of fire,
Bright bandages of fog
starting to comfort the aftermath.
Then, from the black horizon, four horses heave up, flash on their faces.

Preparations for the coming storm are being made. This is pretty epic… for lack of a better term. It is left to one’s imagination what will happen after the horses “heave up”, but that is the neat thing. The author permits his audience to think whatever they wish on the topic. It would be a little presumptuous of him to provide any conclusion, though.

I Always Forget to Blog...

For some reason blogging always evades my memory, and it's rather unfortunate. BUT on to the point. A second blog on Part II. It keeps getting crazier! We are introduced to the Russian who cares for Kurtz twice when he falls ill. In earlier parts of the book, Kurtz is portrayed as a hero and a remarkable man, but here we begin to see another side of him. Marlow explains:

"Everything belonged to him- but that was a trifle. The thing was to know what he belongd to, how many powers of darkness claimed him for their own. That was the reflection that made you creepy all over. It was impossible-it was not good for one either-trying to imagine. He had taken a high seat amongst the devils of the land-I mean literally."

Originally this part could have been a little bit confusing, because Marlow jumps forward in time and explains what he gathered about Kurtz after meeting him. This passage is of great significance because it shows, again, how the darkness can take even those who appear strong and draw them in. Kurtz was a great, powerful figure, and in the end he abused this power because of his lust for ivory. He has been completely consumed by the darkness and there is no way to get back out, even if he wanted to.

Into the Heart of Darkness

This book is incredible. I do not find it particularly difficult to understand, which I'm very grateful for. Marlow's memories are compelling and terrifically descriptive. They are now entering the "heart" of the darkness and even Marlow is feeling the effects of it. My favorite passage from this part of the text begins on page 35...

"We were cut off from the comprehension of our surroundings; we glided past like phantoms, wondering and secretly appalled, as sane men would be before an enthusiastic outbreak in a madhouse. We could not understand because we were too far and could not remember because we were travelling in the night of first ages, of those ages that are gone, leaving hardly a sign-and no memories."

This illustrates how intense the darkness is becoming. The crew can no longer associate with reality because they are too far removed from it. They are going back in time, to a place that no one else remembers because it leaves no survivors. The danger is building now, in an exponential fashion. They are afraid-but not afraid-because to an extent their ability to feel emotion has been stripped away. No one knows how to handle the darkness, and so they steam ahead on their journey, unable to fathom what will come up next.

Lilacs in September

The title of this poem is misleading. At first glance, we are made to think it will be about a purple flower in the month of September, but it is something else altogether. The author uses the image of the damaged flower to illustrate a fight for survival. Disaster can attempt to destroy us…
Shocked to the root
like the lilac bush
in the vacant lot
by the hurricane—

whose black branch split
by wind or rain
as the hurricane attempted to destroy the flowers- but there will always be something worth fighting for…
has broken out unseasonably

into these scant ash-
colored blossoms
lifted high as if to say

to passersby
What will unleash
itself in you
when your storm comes?
Reading this poem made me want to answer the question it poses at the end. What will unleash itself in me when my storm comes? I have been through a few rainy days and have always walked through them- without raincoat or umbrella. But the storm has not found me until now. Everything I write about seems to reflect on my life with horses, and it gets to be a bit repetitive. There is justification to be found, however. When one invests such emotion in a part of their life, there are bound to be countless experiences and moments to share. So, another part of a horse story… but I am afraid this is one of the last.

This storm is a storm of proportions unknown to me at the current time. All I know and all I have ever known is shifting, changing, and in some ways, erasing itself. Here is the storm: I am no longer riding. I am selling the horse that I love with all of my heart and how long it will take to sit on another I do not know. I cannot possibly convey the magnitude of this in any words I have right now. And this is only the beginning. To continue, I have to look at Matthew 16:24-27. It reads:
“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his live will lose, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?”
This is where I find my inspiration. I know that right now I am losing something great, but there is something far greater in return. A strength I never knew I had is unleashing itself within me, and only because the storm finally came.

Confusing much?

“Eveline” is a story about a girl who decides to marry a man named Frank and move away from her Irish home. Something happens to her, but I’m not sure what.

Level One: Where is the priest according to Eveline’s father?
Level Two: Why would Eveline want to move away from the Stores?
Level Three: Would you want to leave? Why?

This story was again, puzzling. But I liked it better than the first story. Eveline is a very intriguing character because of the way Joyce tells her story. We learn everything we could ever want to know about her in a very short amount of space.
This story doesn’t drip with overwhelming anti-Catholic Church sentiment like the previous story did. The one reference that stood out to me was the beginning one about the priest. His photograph is “yellowing” and is placed beside “promises made to Blessed Maragret Mary Alacoque.” I am assuming these promises were never fulfilled.
Eveline is going to marry Frank but I can’t tell if she is excited about it or not. She seems to like him but their relationship appears to be a little random.
The latter half of the story was the really confusing part for me. Something happens with the Italian army… I think. I can’t really tell what’s going on but somehow she loses Frank. Actually, he might lose her. Is he being taken away to go to war?

Disillusioned

“Araby” is about a boy’s obsession with a girl that he doesn’t stand a chance with.

Level One: Where does the story take place?
Level Two: What is the symbolism of chalice?
Level Three: What is Joyce trying to communicate to his reader?

While I enjoyed this story, it was very difficult to understand. The background notes on Joyce did help to clear up some of the muddy-ness but overall I had no real understanding of it. I did pick up on Joyce’s references to his troubled relationship with the Catholic Church. The dead priest represents the fact that the Church has died and is now stagnant. The chalice as a religious object holds the blood of Christ and is also the subject of an ancient quest. In this regard, the girl is just like the chalice. Another reference is made to the Tree of Knowledge with the apple tree in his backyard.
There is great significance to the fact that the boy lives on a dead end street. He knows his “quest” for the girl will ultimately end in failure, and realizes this toward the beginning of the story. Why he keeps pursuing her is beyond me, but I suppose there wouldn’t be a story to write if he didn’t. The boy goes to the bazaar and is thoroughly disappointed. The atmosphere is that of “a church after the service has concluded”, still and silent. It is nothing besides materialistic, and he can’t find a gift with which to woo the girl.

Totally Creeper

“A Good Man is Hard to Find” is a story about a family who goes on a trip and get into an accident and end up being murdered by a man called The Misfit.

What is the cat’s name?
What are the grandmother’s ties to Tennessee?
What would you do if you were in a similar situation?

This story gave me the creeps. Really. I was reading it in study hall yesterday and didn’t know what to think at first, because the story started off all right, and as it progressed I became more and more freaked out. The grandmother really bothered me because she is extremely self-centered. I couldn’t really feel any sympathy for her even though no one seems to like her. She brings it upon herself. In the end, it’s her fault that she and her family die, because she causes the accident to happen.
The shift in the theme of the story was a little disconcerting. The Misfit is a frightening character and I don’t really know how to handle the ending of this story. I kind of want to know Flannery O’Connor’s inspiration for writing such a story. The thing that bothered me the most was when the grandmother tried to convince The Misfit that he could get over all of his problems if he accepted Jesus. His response is particularly disturbing. He says that Jesus threw everything off balance and used faith in Him to justify killing people. This kind of twisted logic was especially freaky to me because of my faith.

The Rocking Horse Winner

“The Rocking Horse Winner” is a story about a boy named Paul who predicts the winners in horse races.

What is Paul’s most prized possession?
What is the symbolism of the rocking horse?
What is the significance of Paul’s ability to predict the outcome of the races? Does it help his family in the long run?

Originally I was drawn to this story because of the title. My initial response was “YAY I get to read something about a horse!” And it turned out to be a lot better than I thought it would. The family’s misfortunes revolve around money, which is a common problem in today’s society for many people. In the beginning, it kind of seems like the story will be about the mother trying to dig her family out of a hole, but I enjoy the shift to Paul because he is a much more interesting character. The emphasis on his blue eyes is very intriguing. They are referenced a total of eight times throughout the story and are always described as “blazing” or “uncanny.” Paul has an “uncanny” ability to predict the outcome of the races, and this is reflected in his eyes.
This turns out to be a very sad story with Paul’s death. I don’t know what ultimately kills him, if it’s the incessant “whispering” of his house, or something else. Despite all his efforts he cannot get the house to stop “whispering” and as the amount of money increases, so does the suffering. Society is too dependent on material things, and they can ultimately lead to our demise. The house’s whisper represents this greed.

In Blackwater Woods

This poem immediately stood out to me when I read it the first time a few weeks ago, but it wasn’t the right time to write about it until now. It is beautifully profound and one of those things that I could write about multiple times, because I get a new appreciation for it each time I read it. I love how it lists off some of nature’s most beautiful things and then comes to the conclusion that in the end it doesn’t matter what they are:
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars

of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,

the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders

of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is

nameless now.
Because in the end, everything we learn and everything we see leads back to salvation, as mentioned later in the poem. We will never know the meaning of salvation, but it combats “the fires and the black river of loss” and delivers us from pain. All the beautiful things in life that we see and think and live help to ease the pain of our everyday burdens. The last part of the poem is as follows:
To live in this world

you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it

against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.
This really speaks to me because it reminds me that all things come to an end, and that isn’t always a bad thing. We have to “love what is mortal”, and I take this to mean our family, friends, pets, and anything else we hold close to our hearts that has no spiritual implication. We hold them in our hearts, knowing that without them we would be nowhere, but there is always a time for goodbyes. Everything has its season. To live, we must know and believe this.

Compelling

1. “I Stand Here Ironing” is a story about a mother and her girl named Emily who has a rough childhood but becomes “Somebody” after her school’s amateur show.

2. Level One: What is Emily’s big break?
Level Two: What is the source of Emily’s problems?
Level Three: Why does the mother deal with her children the way she does?

3. This is my favorite story so far. Granted, it’s only the third one so that could change, but I found it to be very captivating. I feel like the overlying theme is about overcoming hardship. Emily has a very difficult childhood and finally overcomes her multitude of struggles to become "Someone." The story flows well and I like how it moves from Emily's birth through her transformation into a young woman who is very much alive and well. The mother feels very guilty about how she treated Emily when she was young and feels partly responsible for everything Emily goes through. The story compels the audience to realize the impact we have on others with our words and actions. The mother didn't really realize how she was treating Emily until it was too late. It wasn't all her fault- but not being around and putting her child into the care of others allowed things to happen that she didn't know about.

The Lesson

1. “The Lesson” is a story about a group of kids who go to F.A.O. Schwartz with Miss Moore, who is trying to teach them about the importance of money and how this country is not set up for the poor people. The narrator does not like Miss Moore and vehemently objects to her view of society.

2. Level One: What is the store that the children go to with Miss Moore?
Level Two: Why doesn’t the narrator like Miss Moore?
Level Three: What is the significance of going to the store and do you agree with the conclusion that Sugar comes to?

3. I really enjoyed this story because of the style it was written in. It was very easy to read and follow because I felt like I was reading someone’s thoughts instead of just words on a page. The narrator is a very interesting character, because she is unlike the rest of the children in the fact that she thinks for herself and internally challenges what Miss Moore says instead of just going along with it. She does seem quite bitter about Miss Moore and it makes me wonder if they have a history that we aren’t able to see because it isn’t written in the story. However, despite her defiance toward Miss Moore, she has a good concept of the value of money. This is shown in the second paragraph on the last page of the text when she remembers the clown toy. The sentence structure is simple and that made it easy to understand on the first read. I didn’t really pick up much more from the second time around. I found it interesting how the narrator plays hardball for the entire text, but when she is asked to step up to the plate and go inside the store, she gets really nervous and can’t go through with her original plan. The other kids are bolder, for once.